A Dramatic Departure and Journey of Self Love

This blog post started out as an update email to my fans, and as it started to pour out of me, it turned into a very personal journal entry. A very ranty, heavy, dark, “woe is me” victimhood one. I decided to keep going with what was flowing out and see where it was going. 

Whoever wants to read it can do so. Whoever does not, it’s not meant for. This is for me. 

But, the truth is, there is no one to blame here but me. I am my own worst enemy. I am the one who has been holding myself back all of these years. As much as it feels like life has happened TO me, I know that life is happening FOR me. And the thing I am supposed to learn from all of this is that I am not powerless. I choose what I give power to. And I have been giving my power away for too many years. 

But the ultimate lesson here is: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I need to love myself fully and completely, through thick and thin, unconditionally, just as I am. Through the messiness. Through the failures and the successes. And in order to love myself unconditionally, I need to forgive myself for all of the ways I have seemingly “failed” myself, or let myself down. I need to forgive myself for judging myself so harshly and for holding myself back. I need to forgive myself for not trusting my own inner wisdom. I need to forgive myself for not being perfect. I need to forgive myself for life not turning out the way I had planned. 

This is what this post is about…

Seven years ago (2018) I recorded an album entitled “Dramatic Departures”, which was the culmination of deeply personal songs written between 10 and 20 years ago. I had attempted many times to capture the essence of these songs in a studio recording over the last 20 years, but something was always missing. I probably recorded most of the songs about 5 times with different studios and producers.  I never did achieve the goal to the degree I envisioned. From feeling let down by my vocal and piano performances, to thinking that listening to a producer about what was best for my music was the “smart” decision, in turn, doubting my every creative instinct and changing my songs to be more “marketable”, to hiring multiple PR companies (a total scam by the way), to tell me how to release my music and to help me figure out my “brand”, which meant “Decide what your brand is and stick to it”. I paid for mediocre write-ups and reviews in online blogs that no one would ever see, unless you send them a link, and spent enough to buy a house (during the last housing market crash that is). From there, I would go on to hire multiple photographers and pay an exorbitant amount of money to have someone send me back non-edited photos, to which I would spend months learning how to use photoshop and edit them myself. Then after releasing an EP I never wanted to release (PR company’s idea), and less than 1000 streams on Spotify and Apple Music combined, lack of buzz and traction, I fell into a deep depression. I stopped feeling the spark for music and stopped writing altogether. I didn’t see a point in any of it. I had no motivation to keep going, despite the fact that a lot of people had supported me with my Kickstarter and pre-paid for an album that I wasn’t even sure how I was going to release.

So I just went on in a zombie-like state for the next few years, just going through the motions and burying my head in the sand, playing cover gigs and losing more and more of myself and my creative spark by continuing to play what I call the “dancing monkey show” (playing the same 50 songs everyone else plays over and over). I no longer played the music that set me apart from the rest, the unique covers that people used to really enjoy. The artistic side of me. It was about survival and making money.

During that time, the lockdowns started, and that period was the best and worst time in my life. I had a traumatic spiritual awakening that shook me to my core. And since that day I have been on a deep dive and spiritual journey for the ultimate truth of the nature of reality and existence itself.  But that's a story for another time. (And if you are reading this and feel the urge to reach out and tell me I need Jesus, please don’t.) 

My timeline shifted (everyone’s did), and just when things were starting to normalize, I was hit with another tower moment when my partner/fiance of 6 years dropped a bomb and broke up with me for someone else, who he ended up marrying. 

After a short time of feeling like my life was truly over and I would never come back from this heartbreak, I came back to Michigan and moved back in with my parents, temporarily. Being back in Michigan re-lit a spark in me. Something about being home with my family and real friends helped me gain clarity. I was ready to release the album. So I started out with a fresh new outlook and was ready to continue on with the release with a couple singles, and I was really excited. This time, I was gonna do it right. I had 3 music videos I had been hanging onto. I released “Kill Me” and was pretty impressed with how well it did at first. Then, I was gonna follow that up with “Between the Lies”, what I was sure was my BEST song, with a powerful music video. The world would love it. It was going to be the song to set it all on fire and finally would get me noticed. And to my surprise, it did nothing. Aside from a small few, no one cared. I submitted that song to 60 playlists and every single one rejected it. “It’s too mainstream”. “It’s not mainstream enough”. “I didn’t like the singer’s voice”. “I wanted the singer to be more empowered”. “Just not my vibe”. “It’s too dated”. “Too polished” “Not polished enough”. “We only like upbeat happy songs”. “The drums were too heavy”. “There weren’t enough drums”. This song was supposed to put me on the Map! And no one wanted it on a playlist?! WHAT THE FUCK?! I had a vision. I had a dream. It was so clear in my mind. I never had a doubt that this album would be amazing. But once again, my vision was shattered and I realized now more than ever that my dream was never going to come true. 

I didn’t think things could get any lower. And yet they did. It was then that I lost all desire and confidence for music, my album, in myself. The unworthiness I felt in every aspect of my life was so severe. This wound went to my core. From romantic love, to wealth, to career and purpose, to God/The Creator/The Divine/The Universe/Source’s love, I felt the deepest sense of unworthiness. And I didn’t know what any of this life was for. I didn’t know what the truth was, why I was here, who I was, what I was supposed to learn, etc. I just felt extreme sadness and grief and a tremendous amount of fear. 

With all of this self doubt and fear, I held onto the album and couldn’t let it go. Because letting go meant giving up on my dream.  Releasing it meant it was really over. And if I never actually release it, then I could somehow still hang onto this fantasy that there was still hope. That I was still worthy of something great. 

The longer I held on, the more it festered. The shame, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, the grief. It started to affect my physical health as well. My body felt heavy and I was in so much pain all the time. And the pain and stiffness got worse. I gained weight of course.  Then my voice started to have issues. I had been dealing with body pain and vocal issues before this, but now it was to the point where I could no longer work out through the pain, and my voice was no longer holding up at gigs. 

I went to a voice specialist that confirmed I have scar tissue on my vocal folds and one of them isn’t vibrating at the speed it is supposed to. I got a steroid injection and had to go on almost 2 months of vocal rest. I am still rehabbing back to health. There is another injection coming as well. Platelet Rich Plasma. The doctor said he thinks it will help with the scarring. But I know that the cause of all of this is energetic. 

But one day, I finally said Enough! Something has to change. I’m not getting younger and this album still needs to come out. Whether or not the recordings sound exactly how I wanted them doesn’t matter. Who cares if I cringe at my vocal performance or the fact that half of the songs the piano sounds like garbage, or I changed this thing here in this song or that in that other song because someone told me to and it no longer sounds like me. I need to let it go. It’s slowly killing me.

I may never become the artist I envisioned. I may never be recognized as such. I may never write a song again. I may never release another album. I am slowly coming to terms with this. I have used this analogy many times. It feels like I’m giving birth to a baby who died in my womb. That is the closest way I can describe this grieving process. 

So on December 31st, 2025, “Dramatic Departures”  will be available on all streaming services and available for digital download. ( If you would like a physical copy, please email me.)

I think it is fitting, because 2025 is, in numerology, a year of the number 9, which is a year of completion and letting go. There is actually a lot going on astrologically and with the collective in general right now that is very much in alignment with releasing this. If you know, you know. If you don’t, well you may just have to take my word for it. It can be a little “woo woo” for some. But it’s a thing. I won’t go into all of that. 

It’s funny though, because I have already released the majority of the album already, so it’s not exactly exciting. There are only 4 more songs that have yet to be publicized, and if you have been following me for a while, you have already heard them. But interestingly enough, these last 4 may actually be my favorite ones for various reasons.

But this time I’m releasing this for me. No one else but me. 

Through this process of following through on the release, I am now taking better care of my body,  mind and soul. I am doing fascia techniques to get out of pain, I am taking better care of my voice, sitting in silence and meditating again, and moving on to what is next for me. 

If you have read this emotional vomit of a post and are still here, then I thank you. 

We are all on a journey of self discovery and the ultimate truth, which is love. 

Love,

Julie